To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you
demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my
girlfriend and me, threatening our lives.

You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse and earrings.

I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather
important message.

First, I’d like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew
my pistol after you took my Jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I
was wearing the jacket for a reason.

My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP
pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it
that very evening.

Obviously you agree that it is a very Intimidating weapon when
pointed at your head, wasn’t it?

I know it probably wasn’t fun walking back to wherever you’d
come from bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and
wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your
buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother, or “Momma” as you had her listed in
your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you’d done. Then I
went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people’s in the gas
station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150
gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Whisky A Go Go’s,
along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink “pimp mobile” that
was parked at the curb … after I broke the windshield and side window
and keyed the entire driver’s side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell
phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the
phone for a little over a day now, so what’s going on with that?

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the
DA’s office and one to the FBI, while mentioning a very important political figure as my
possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice
long chat (I guess while he traced your number, etc).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you . . .
but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment
for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through
some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that
you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the
career path you’ve chosen to pursue in life.

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,
Source: article in Savannah Gazzette