The following is an actual question given on a  University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.   

 The answer by this student was so ‘profound’ that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :  

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?  

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.  

 One student, however, wrote the following:  

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. There fore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.  

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:  

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.  

 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.  

So which is it?  

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct….. …leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting ‘Oh my God!’   

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

__________ Information from ESET Smart Security, version of virus signature database 5035 (20100416) __________

The message was checked by ESET Smart Security.

 Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Ben’s mother couldn’t help but notice how beautiful Ben’s roommate, Jennifer, was. Ben’s Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Ben and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and Jennifer than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, Ben volunteered, ‘I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.’ About a week later, Jennifer came to Ben saying, ‘Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?’ Ben said, ‘Well, I doubt it, but I’ll send her an e-mail just to be sure.

 So he sat down and wrote:_ Dear Mom, I’m not saying that you ‘did’ take the gravy ladle from the house, I’m not saying that you ‘did not’ take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Ben

Several days later, Ben received an email back from his mother that read: _ Dear Son, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Jennifer, I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY – NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

A dog named Sex

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him “Rover” or “Spot”. I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.

When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog’s license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, “I would like to have one too!” Then I said, “But she is a dog!” He said he didn’t care what she looked like. I said, “You don’t understand. … I have had Sex since I was nine years old.” He replied, “You must have been quite a strong boy.” When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, “But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex.” He said he didn’t want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, “You don’t understand. … Sex keeps me awake at night.” The clerk said, “Me too!”

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. “You don’t understand,” I said, “I hoped to have Sex on TV.” He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, “Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married.” The Judge said, “Same here!”

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o’clock in the morning. I said, “I’m looking for Sex.” — My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I’ve been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, “What seems to be the trouble?” I replied, “Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I can’t live any longer being so lonely.” and the doctor said, “Look mister, you should understand that sex isn’t a man’s best friend so go get yourself a dog.”

We always hear “the rules” from women. Now here this  from us men .

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us griping about you leaving it down.

2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

3. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

4. Sunday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

5. Don’t cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you’re stuck with her.

6. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

7. Crying is blackmail.

8. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

9. We don’t remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

10. Most guys own three pairs of shoes – tops. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

11. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

12. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

14. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

15. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. We refuse to answer.

16. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

17. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

18. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

19. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

20. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

21. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

22. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

23. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

24. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

25. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

26. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

27. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

28. You have enough clothes.

29. You have too many shoes.

30. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it’s Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn’t really matter what they’re saying anyway.)

31. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn’t matter which quiz.

32. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.

33. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don’t mind that, it’s like camping. 

7 ODD TRAVEL USES FOR PANTYHOSE

** 1. Blister stopper for men and women — Cut the feet off of a pair
of pantyhose at the ankles and wear them under your socks. They’ll cut
down on the friction between your shoe and your foot, thus reducing
your risk of blisters.

** 2. Lint mitt — Slip your hand into one leg and brush it against
clothing to remove lint or deodorant marks. (It works just as well as
a lint brush but it’s smaller and lighter to pack.)

** 3. Shoe shiner — Pantyhose are soft enough yet sturdy enough to
gently polish your shoes.

** 4. Chigger, insect, and jellyfish sting protector — Wear pantyhose
under your shorts or hiking pants to protect against chiggers or
insect bites. You can also wear them in the water to protect from
jellyfish stings if you’re swimming, fishing, or clamming.

** 5. Clothes line — Tie each toe of your pantyhose to something in
your hotel room and use them as a clothes line… or slip a wet shoe
into each leg and then hang your shoes over an air vent or open window
to dry them out.

** 6. Pain reliever — Fill part of a leg with rice and use it as a
microwaveable heat wrap for sore muscles. (Be sure not to microwave it
too long and check that it’s not too hot.)

** 7. Camera lens filter — Stretch pantyhose over the end of your
camera lens to create a blurred, “dreamy” effect. This won’t work for
stock photos, but can make fun, fine art shots or portraits.

WHY ISN’T THIS ON THE FRONT PAGE AND THE LEAD STORY ON EVERY NEWS AGENCY?

Costco — Read this whole article – especially the end – kudos for Costco!

Also be sure to check with Walmart!!

COSTCO! Read this….

Let’s hear it for Costco!! (This is just mind-boggling!) Make sure you read all the way past the list of the drugs. The woman that signed below is a Budget Analyst out of federal Washington , DC offices. 

Did you ever wonder how much it costs a drug company for the active ingredient in prescription medications? Some people think it must cost a lot, since many drugs sell for more than $2.00 per tablet. We did a search of offshore chemical synthesizers that supply the active ingredients found in drugs approved by the FDA. As we have revealed in past issues of Life Extension, a significant percentage of drugs sold in the United States contain active ingredients made in other countries. In our independent investigation of how much profit drug companies really make, we obtained the actual price of active ingredients used in some of the most popular drugs sold in America

The data below speaks for itself.
>
>
> Celebrex: 100 mg
> Consumer price (100 tablets): $130.27
> Cost of general active ingredients: $ 0.60
> Percent markup: 21,712%
>
> Claritin: 1 0 mg
> Consumer Price (100 tablets): $215.17
> Cost of general active ingredients: $0.71
> Percent markup: 30,306%
>
> Keflex: 250 mg
> Consumer Price (100 tablets): $157.39
> Cost of general active ingredients: $1.88
> Percent markup: 8,372%
>
>
> Lipitor: 20 mg
> Consumer Price (100 tab lets): $272.37
> Cost of general active ingredients: $5.80
> Percent markup: 4,696%
>
>
> Norvasc: 10 mg
> Consumer Price (100 tab lets): $188..29
> Cost of general active ingredients: $0.14
> Percent markup: 134,493%
>
>
> Paxil: 20 mg
> Consumer price (100 tablets): $220.27
> Cost of general active ingredients: $7.60
> Percent markup: 2,898%
>
>
> Prevacid: 30 mg
> Consumer price (100 tablets): $44.77
> Cost of general active ingredients: $1.01
> Percent markup: 34,136%
>
>
> Prilosec: 20 mg
> Consumer price (100 tablets): $360.97
> Cost of general active ingredients $0.52
> Percent markup: 69,417%
>
>
> Prozac: 20 mg
> Consumer price (100 tablets) : $247.47
> Cost of general active ingredients: $0.11
> Percent markup: 224,973%
>
>
> Tenormin: 50 mg
> Consumer price (100 tablets): $104.47
> Cost of general active ingredients: $0.13
> Percent markup: 80,362%
>
>
> Vasotec: 10 mg
> Consumer price (100 tablets): $102.37
> Cost of general active ingredients: $0.20
> Percent markup: 51,185%
>
>
> Xanax: 1 mg
> Consumer price (100 tablets) : $136.79
> Cost of general active ingredients: $0.024
> Percent markup: 569,958%
>
>
> Zestril: 20 mg
> Consumer price (100 tablets) $89..89
> Cost of general active ingredients $3.20
> Percent markup: 2,809
>
>
> Zithromax: 600 mg
> Consumer price (100 tablets): $1,482.19
> Cost of general active ingredients: $18.78
> Percent markup: 7,892%
>
>
> Zocor: /B 40 mg
> Consumer price (100 tablets): $350.27
> Cost of general active ingredients: $8.63
> Percent markup: 4,059%
>
>
> Zoloft: 50 mg
> Consumer price: $206.87
> Cost of general active ingredients: $1.75
> Percent markup: 11,821%
>
>
> Since the cost of prescription drugs is so outrageous, I thought everyone should know about this. Please read the following and pass it on. It pays to shop around. This helps to solve the mystery as to why they can afford to put a Walgreen’s on every corner. On Monday night, Steve Wilson, an investigative reporter for Channel 7 News in Detroit , did a story on generic drug price gouging by pharmacies. He found in his investigation, that some of these generic drugs were marked up as much as 3,000% or more.

Yes, that’s not a typo…..three thousand percent! So often, we blame the drug companies for the high cost of drugs, and usually rightfully so. But in this case, the fault clearly lies with the pharmacies themselves. For example, if you had to buy a prescription drug, and bought the name brand, you might pay $100 for 100 pills. The pharmacist might tell you that if you get the generic equivalent, they would only cost $80, making you think you are ’saving’ $20. What the pharmacist is not telling you is that those 100 generic pills may have only cost him $10!

At the end of the report, one of the anchors asked Mr. Wilson whether or not  there were any pharmacies that did not adhere to this practice, and he said that Costco consistently charged little over their cost for the generic drugs.

I went to the Costco site , where you can look up any drug, and get its online price. It says that the in-store prices are consistent with the online prices. I was appalled. Just to give you one example from my ownexperience, I had to use the drug, Compazine, which helps prevent nausea in chemo patients.

I used the generic equivalent, which cost $54.99 for 60 pills at CVS. I checked the price at Costco, and I could have bought 100 pills for $19.89. For 145 of my pain pills, I paid $72.57. I could have got 150 at Costco for $28.08.

I would like to mention, that although Costco is a ‘membership’ type store, you do NOT have to be a member to buy prescriptions there, as it is a federally regulated substance.. You just tell them at the door that you wish to use the pharmacy, and they will let you in. (this is true)

I went there this past Thursday and asked them. I am asking each of you to please help me by copying this letter, and passing it into your own e-mail, and send it to everyone you know with an e-mail address.

> Sharon L. Davis
> Budget Analyst
> US Department of Commerce
> Room 6839
> Office Ph: 202-482-4458
> Office Fax: 202-482-5480
> E-mail Address: sdavis@doc.gov
> <http://us.mc800.mail.yahoo.com/mc/compose?to=sdavis@doc.gov>
> <http://us.mc01g.mail.yahoo.com/mc/compose?to=sdavis@doc.gov>
>
>
> []
>
> This can be verified by clicking on the following link:
>
>
> http://www.snopes.com/medical/drugs/generic.asp <
> http://www.snopes.com/medical/drugs/generic.asp
> <http://www.snopes.com/medical/drugs/generic.asp> > 
>
>
>        
>
> 
> ]]> http://www.bigtowntalk.com/why-prescription-medicine-costs-are-killing-us-must-read/feed/ 1 http://www.bigtowntalk.com/limericks/ http://www.bigtowntalk.com/limericks/#comments Mon, 07 Dec 2009 01:35:02 +0000 kalimaan http://www.bigtowntalk.com/?p=142 The limerick is furtive and mean
You must keep her in close quarantine
Or she sneaks to the slums
And promptly becomes
Disorderly, drunk and obscene.

There once was a girl from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass.
Not rounded and pink
As you probably think –
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass!

There was a young lady one fall
Who wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
The dress caught on fire
And burned her entire
Front page, sporting section and all.

A pretty young maiden from France
Decided she’d “just take a chance.”
She let herself go
For an hour or so
And now all her sisters are aunts.

OMG-Actual notations on various hospital charts.

1. The patient refused an autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day, the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated, and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

24. The pelvis exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

“30 minutes late!!”, his brain shouted at him, “Last time you were 5 mins late and she had literally gobbled u up … remember??”

“Yeah yeah”, he said to his brain, “You know her … all moody and stuff …. oh there she is”

“Scold her OK?”, his brain adviced.

“OK I will try”

Sweet Sally comes with the cutest smile and says “Im sorry honey … I was shopping for shoes … totally forgot about you”

“What if you had said that line buddy?”, shouted his brain …. “she would have had a nervous breakdown”

John ignored his brain .. “Its OK honey .. its only half an hour .. no problem”

She smiled once again .. held his hand and asked “Hope you remember what occasion is today”

“OMG!!!”, thought John …..

“Brain … search database for reminders, anniversaries, silly anniversaries, birthdays and birthdays of people I dont care about”

Brain got into action … he started delegating work to different parts … parallel processing .. multiple search ………. complete memory scan.

Sally stared at John …. “Hello!! you have been staring at me for 2 minutes now … re youu OK?”

“Huh!!!”, he said, “Oh … nothing’s wrong ..  I was lost in thought”

“No records found”, said the brain …

“Damn!!”, thought John

“So what say … how do we celebrate this day?”, she asked.

John is all confused … “Ask her …dumbo?”. said the brain

“OK OK …stop pushing me”

“Honey .. You know my lousy memory .. I guess I cant recall what today is”

“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT T!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!” , she shouted … and started crying.

“How could you forget!! ….. its my doggy’s birthday”

“!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!”

A moment of silence.

His entire brain staff was laughing at him.

John was dumbfounded. “What the hell am I supposed to do know?”, he asked his brain.

“Damage control sequence initialized … dont worry our specialist will comeback with the perfect line to make everything all right”

“Better do it fast ..brainy”

The brain was working at 90% capacity ….. gathering and analyzing all data on ‘How to handle women?’

Finally an answer was computed and communicated to John.

He looked up to her, and said “Of Course I remember your doggie’s birthday … how can I forget that sweet mutt’s special day”

She looked up with utter surprise …

“HUH!!!!!!! ……. Doggy is the name of my cat you jerk”

She stood up angrily and left. 

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road
because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation
and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped
that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes
me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that
every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to
cross the road. But then, this really isn’t about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed
the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our
side of the road or not. The chicken is either against us or
for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where’s my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly
see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the
road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross,
and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions. I am not
for it now and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some
black chickens.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having
problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad.
So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes
and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this
chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and
not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is
a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other
side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he’s
guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking
American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that
chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer’s
Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain
level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it
with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it
crossed I’ve not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken
crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and
that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn’t that interesting? In a few
moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first
time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a
serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its
lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world
crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2009, which will
not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important
documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer
is an integral part of eChicken 2008. This new platform is
much more stable and will never crash or need to be rebooted.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or
did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?